It is what it is

and that's alright

Hello, Lovely Nuanced Free Soul!

It’s been more than 3 months since I last posted here. Two main things hold me back: 1. Perfectionism, 2. Lack of energy and time. And both things are affecting each other. My trying to be perfect drains me, and the lack of energy and time pushes me to try even harder to be “better”.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

I was diagnosed as Autistic about two months ago? I’m not sure, time blindness and all. I knew I was Autistic or, to the very least, neurodivergent before the official diagnosis, but after it, I have a better idea of how I can take care of my nervous system. Fibromyalgia and constantly masking push me to burnout over and over. I want to be “normal,” so I push myself until I’m literally unable to get out of bed. If I’m not “how I should be,” then I don’t wish to do it. If my post isn’t perfectly-written and gets the results from the audience I desire, then I don’t feel like writing. Obviously, that’s hurting me.

It doesn’t help that the world around us is so chaotic. I can barely keep up with the news. We’ll be free, we won’t be, the US is coming, they won’t do anything, and so on. Australia and their attack, plus everything else I don’t even know about. How can I keep up with the rest of the world when I can barely handle my own life? I’m sure my situation is far from unique.

Today, I won’t give you magical solutions. Have I ever done that? Nope, I can’t. They don’t exist. I can’t fix the world, and I can’t be perfect. I’m here to show up. Even if my thoughts are a little scattered, even if this isn’t a masterpiece, even if no one reads it. I show up because writing here is important for me. I want to share my thoughts, my ideas, my reflections. Even if it doesn’t do anything, even if it doesn’t change a single thing. It makes me feel better. It reminds me I can do things despite them not being “what should be”.

Winter doesn’t mean death. Beneath the ground, plants are taking care of themselves, preparing to resurface in Spring. I take breaks, long ones, from publishing here and on my social media. That’s alright. I don’t know how to handle my nervous system in a way that will benefit both my body and my goals, but that’s alright. I’m learning. I’m growing, little by little, I’m getting closer to that “should be”. I don’t have to stop trying to be better, but accepting myself and the world will help me achieve my goals and a better mental health.

Thank you for reading, thanks for being here despite my imperfection, for staying even though I disappear from time to time, thank you for being yourself…yes, with all of your issues, cracks, wounds, and unique chaos.