I'm not lost

I'm normal

Cambridge Dictionary has two meanings for “lost”:

1. not knowing where you are and how to get to a place

2. If something is lost, no one knows where it is

Photo by Vinay Tryambake on Unsplash

When I say I felt lost, what do I mean? I felt like I had no idea of how to get to a “better place,” and I didn’t know who I truly was. So, I had lost my way and my identity. I don’t feel bad about it anymore. I’m not “truly” lost.

I don’t know how to get where I wish to be, but I know what it looks like. Somewhat. I also don’t know entirely who I am, but I haven’t lost myself; I’m building myself.

The month is almost over. I’m 26 now, and I feel much better about myself as I understand more about life and how I work. These are the reasons I thought I was a loser:

1. I’m not normal: I’ve been trying to be normal ever since I realized standing out too much was dangerous. I got bullied because I was so atypical. I became a target because I was too strange. For many years, I tried to be as normal as possible. The thing is… what is normal? I look around and it turns out…I’m pretty normal. There’s nothing unique about feeling lost, about feeling like you don’t fit anywhere.

2% of people suffer from fibromyalgia since they were kids or teens.

15% to 20% of the population is neurodivergent.

4% of people are bisexual.

1% to 3% of the general population are INFJ

5% of the population has AB+ blood

So even if I feel like a melanistic unicorn sometimes…I’m far from unique or special. And that’s pretty normal.

Photo by soroush chr on Unsplash

2. I’m not doing enough: I thought that my 20s would look like they do in movies. I would be independent, living on my own, I’d marry at 25 and have kids before 30. I would be fit, have a stable job, and I’d be just like those girls I admired so much back in High School. Busy, desired, outstanding in a popular way. No longer “a freak”.

Well…I’m not married legally yet, I don’t have a stable job, I’m not fit, and I’m still not as fancy and good-looking as those girls I looked up to. I haven’t changed the world. I haven’t paid my mom back. I’m still in therapy, and I’m living with my mom.

You know what? That’s fine. It’s also pretty freaking normal. I look around…and yeah, turns out I’m pretty average. That doesn’t mean I’m a loser, though.

Despite my chronic illness and neurodivergence, despite the issues around and within me, I’m working hard on building that future I want. Also, life has a tendency not to follow our plans. Things change all the time. Unexpectedly, uncontrollably.

3. I’m no longer “the gifted one”: I always had perfect grades without much effort. I was the genius, the smart kid, the girl with a bright future ahead of her. I was supposed to change the world. The authority figures around me thought I would work at NASA, discover the cure for cancer, or become a bestseller as a teenager. Expectations were so high…anything other than extraordinary would feel like losing.

Now? Now I know I’m neither a loser nor lost. I’m just a normal human being trying her best, and that’s what most of us are doing. I might not have a super clear idea of how to get the future I want, but I doubt anyone truly does. We can’t see the future, we can’t predict all the outcomes.

We can just keep doing our best with what we were given.

Like everyone else.

Thanks for reading!!